Panic in the cubicle

Forgiveness Medicine, 2005 Leah Marie Dorion

I have anxiety disorder.  Mostly it is managed and overall it gets better as I get older and more experiences at dealing with and understanding things, but yesterday I had a bad day.  I still feel very tender today.  The world is very heavy.  But even in the midst of that there was some good stuff.  Sophie has been feeling very alone that there are no other people like her.  She believes in mystical things in a way that I don't quite understand and while we have talked about it and I have tried to show openness, she kept feeling that I did not get it.  So yesterday I went to the crystal shop and got her a book and some tarot cards.  I said straight out that I do not understand what she has in her heart, but that there are other people out there that believe what she does and that she is not alone.

I was amazed how much that small conversation and gift seemed to mean to her.  She came and spent time with Joel and I for the first time in a long time.  It was good to just be with her.  It was good to see her happier for a bit.  She even got going to school with happiness this morning reading to do readings for all her friends.  While I hear the voices of my past that these things are "wrong" I am glad that I went with my gut and gave her what she needed.


I also took the time today to go over to the Kumick Lodge to listen to the Elder.  Just sitting in the room and doing the smudge was a blessing.  The teachings were by Elder Mac Saulis who spoke about the circle.  My first thought was that this would be kind of boring - I already know about the circle, but it was so much more than this.  He spoke about the need for self reflection or else how will we know how we and our lives are changing and that in that self reflection we need to be able to look at both the dark and light parts of ourselves.  I was also struck by his discussion of the physical part of the circle as being so much more than just our body, but that it was the whole extension of ourselves into the physical world that we need to consider.  I need to think on that some more.  He also spoke about the teachings of those who walk on to the spirit world and our continued relationships to them.  Overall it was very good to take the time and listen.  I am struck by the incongruity of self reflection and children, where so much of our ceremony is about keeping people close to the circle and not setting things on fire.  Not so much time for quiet reflection.


But there is learning there too eh?  Take time for yourself today.  Self reflect.  Be.