Fat

I am fat.  I should not be cause I am an educated proffessional and I should know better.  I feel the shame of that fat and I have done a lot of thinking about why I am fat and I understand a lot of the factors.

• Body shaming from growing up in a church where women's bodies were sinful and evil.
• A Survival mechanism to retreat into the mind which has left me very disconected to my body.
• Hyperemisis in pregnancy combined with a difficult baby to care for.  Eating was gone and when it came back it was the only good thing some days.
• Safety - fat keeps me safe from sex and hides me.  People see that and not me.
• Growing up without healthy eating models.  Eat to be happy.  Eat to be sad.  Eat until you feel sick to punish yourself and because it is something you control, even if it hurts you.
• A fear of starving left over from being poor as a child.
• A rebellion from being a "tiny perfect blue eyed, blond haired child" who was supposed to stay that way forever and be enjoyed for my outsides.
• Being quite short it is my way to project into the world.
• Having an office job and then having reading as a hobby.

I know there are layers to this onion that I still have to unwrap and knowing why something is, still isn't the same as healing.  After punishing myself a lot for not sucessfully addressing this issue I have tried to step back and be kind to myself.

That is really hard.  There are so many layers of hating in my background in the church that liking myself - even saying the words and not meaning them - is really really hard.  Taking care of myself and looking good, even if I am not skinny can be hard.  Eating what nourishes is hard.  Having lived so long in crisis mode makes it challenging to switch gears.

I am working on it. But I find it striking how deep this all goes, like as I watch Project Runway All Stars and viserally react to host being so big (She is pregnant and lovely).  She shouldn't be on TV.  The same with this Buzzfeed article about the biggest plus size model to get a contract.  She is beautiful and sexy and that is a bit scary for me.