Unexpected moments of beauty

R fell asleep after school which left some unexpected time to spend with S.  We sat down in the dark listning to Chris Derksen and lit some sage for a smuge.  We spent some time in silence, a rare gift with S and I rubbed her back while we thought about her first moon time dress as inspired by the "Identity by Design" book I reviewed in the last post.  I don't like touch and S has always been a challenge for me.  I work to reach out to her but it is not always natural.  Her anxiety is so costly a lost of times that touch is just too much.  I had always thought that dislike of touch was just an uptight european hang up but as I read more about the family systems of residential school survivors I can also see the roots in that.  So, the opportunity for natural touch with S was special.

It was good to talk.  As much as I feel like we talk about the first moon time quite a bit she wants more information.  I wrote a book for her with all the information I had found about women's life cycles especially for Metis woman and we take Red Tipi time each month to look at the book and talk.  This is an area where it feels really important to work on decolonializing.  I want her body to be hers and for her to have a healthy relationship with it.  I want to give her the tools she needs to be able to enter into authentic relationships and to have the skills to leave unhealthy ones.  I realized that was something I was never taught.

I wish there were grandmothers I could turn to about these topics of emerging womanhood, but it is very much a secret for the women in my family.  You might bleed every month but is certainly not something you would ever talk about.  I remember trying to talk to my nana about it now knowing how far the Alzhiemers had her.  I was so saddened by her silence.  That silence felt like the end of my childhood.  I was greatful to augment that silence with one that was gentle and nurturing.  I am so thankful to all those women who are talking and sharing what they know.