Friday, May 27, 2016

Mr Worry visits again

I feel battered and numb today after a week of trying to get Runa to calm down.  She is hysterical about school.  Today we took her in a taxi screaming and kicking and wearing no pants or shoes.  It hurts my soul to do that to her, but that is what the world says is needed to show willing despite the cost.  I am so glad it is the weekend and we don't have to think about school for a day or so.  However, I am confident that it will start again on Sunday...

I don't know what to do to help her and so many of the suggestions from the experts don't seem to speak to the reality of the situation.  You can't negotiate with someone who is having a panic attack.  They are not there anymore and the worry is in charge.  I really hope that we are not hurting her or our relationship with the choices we are making right now.  It is hard not to transcribe the path we went through with Sophie onto this experience.  Medication helped Sophie.  Maybe it is not the right thing here, but leaving her screaming and physically forcing her out of her safety space is not a long term solution.

This comes at a time when Joel is almost comatose.  He did not respond to me until 9:30 at night and did not move from 3 until after 11.  He is already in a bad state and not able to contribute a lot and I am also not able to give him much support.  I feel guilty and out of control as I grab food to just get by and rely on it for some moments of pleasure.  I have survived this before and I will again.  It just hurts getting through it.  At least now I have the grandmothers to rely on.

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