My daughter Sophie is having suicidal thoughts. This isn't the first time, but it is more realized than the other times with actual scenarios. There is part of me that is totally terrified, but strangely there is another part of me that can deal with this. With actual problems there is somewhere useful for my anxiety to go. I am used to problems. Living with my mother, life was a series of crisis. That is the normal mode I was used to. It doesn't feel good, but it feels normal in a way. We will go through the process of talking and seeing medical professionals and getting the support she needs. It is not a straight path, but one I have walked before, both personally and for my partner.
But as I showered and wanted to cry I tried something different. Usually at this point I feel very isolated as neither my parents or Joel's understand nor offer support. I feel this lack keenly in these moment. But this time as my heart ached for the mother who could support me, I reached out to all the ancestor kookums and asked them to share from all their experiences of dealing with children and hurting people. I went to bed feeling calm and had a very strong vision of being held in their arms and touched gently. I was cradled and held up and moved in many positions and understood very clearly from this the need to be responsive to the person I am caring for, to recognize their individual needs and to try and support them where they needed it, not just where I was comfortable doing it. I felt them go back to the spirit world, still present, but not here and I was ok.
I have so much to learn as a Métis woman, but what I received yesterday was a great gift. We really don't walk alone.