Sometimes I forget how far we have come with Sophie. But celebrations usually bring that progress into the light. All the expectations, noise and change of schedule are just too much for her. She spent both Saturday and Sunday nights in despair after two quite nice days. She lay on the floor and cried that nobody understood her and that she might as well be dead. It is a lot to shift focus from eating cake to deep pits of sorrow, but such is Sophie. In addition, Sophie is afraid of getting older and she sees it at getting closer to death and as having to give up the things she likes about her current life. She has always had this belief and first raised it when she was worried about not being a baby any more.
It can be hard to remember that this is not only her talking and to let her go through what she needs to in order to get out the other side. It is hard to remember how long it can take to feel better after a panic attack, even when I live through them too. From the outside it can be challenging to give that person what they need when often they don't even know what it is that they need. She is sometimes so resistant to use her tools, she shoots down her calm cloud or does reverse yoga where she breathes and moves in ways that make her more upset. But I need to remember how long it has taken me to learn and apply these tools. She is still little.
So while I think about Sophie's birth and the wonderful at home peaceful delivery, I also remember the weeks of insanity with a child who would not eat or sleep. I remember the little baby who would not be put down and needed so much. I need to remember to keep giving, even as she enters a phase where she won't ask for what she needs as much. We did get in some ceremony with the start of her berry fast and her repudiation three times of the offered berries. I am going to follow up with teachings each month and try to get her time to spend with some Elders as well.