Monday, October 26, 2015

Heart beats

As I have been working on my Cree, Runa has been quite supportive while Sophie understands when I say something but would not try herself in Cree.  However, last week she told me in Cree that she loved me.  It meant a lot to hear here trying in Cree.  It also encourages me to keep trying as it does rub off on them. 

I have been pretty down again the last month.  I try to dig into my cultural medicines, but old habits die hard.  All I want to do is hibernate for the winter and just not think about or deal with anything. One of the essays from "Looking at Mindfulness" by Christophe Andre has words that speak to me "When we cling to our painful thoughts by ruminating on them, we solidify them.  We give them substance and importance.  We ruminate on our ills and turn them into monsters.  Rumination is the solidification of our mind's chatter.  Without meaning to, we turn ordinary reaction into suffering...Having given birth to these little monsters, we then bond with them like mothers.  A negative thought doesn't hurt us if it comes and goes.  It becomes painful if it fills our awareness, takes root and stops all the other thoughts from taking root or even existing..."  He continues "But how can we stop our mind from being drawn toward these magnetic sufferings?  The only solution is paradoxical - we must make more space for suffering, in order to loosen its grip."

I feel like that is where I am stuck with the little monsters I have birthed.  So I have committed to rooting out these monsters and making them see light of day.  I spent a long time thinking about this last night and had a very vivid dream afterwards where society was broken after a disaster and the government was printing books instead of feeding people and finding the missing.  I was struck that when something is broken you need to take care that you build it back into something healthy not just built to stay busy. 

A while ago I set out a vision for my self  which is focused on this building, both personally and in my community.
Architect - building road to precious resources, supporting others on their journeys                                                                                   Being and balance - how we exist day to day matters                     Create - space for dialogue and beautiful things to sustain my soul
I am going to try focusing on what I am building, making healthy spaces for suffering in my life and putting aside those monster who I have let grow through ongoing love and attention.  What are you working to build right now?

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