Have not been posting quite as regularly. I have been thinking a lot about where I am in life. Some of the changes I need to make are hard for me. They push me outside of what is comfortable. It tips me over to my melancholy side some days. So here on the happy side is Runa in her shorts set I made out of a pillow case. I have been doing more sewing and taking time to think quietly. Runa is now also officially learning disabled. She is off to the special eye Dr today just to rule that out, but we are now into the investigating solutions phase. Overall, her mood has been better since we told her. I think it was a relief for her.
I am reading Looking at Mindfulness by Christophe Andre. I really like the approach of using the art as a means to show the concepts he is discussing. It is a very effective learning technique and the ideas stay with you. I have been working on taking some time every day to sit quietly and think. Yesterday I took this book and the words of the elder to heart and sat to watch caterpillars at lunch. I was struck by how fragile and fluid their lives are and how little they really had control over.
"Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning the guru returned to the cabin to monitor the woman's progress. In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane. Each morning he asked he the same question: "have you learned everything there is to know yet"? Each morning her answer was the same. "No", she said "I haven't". The guru would then strike her over the head with his cane.
This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same answer and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping his assault in midair,
Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise the guru smiled. "congratulations," he said "you have graduation. You now know everything you need to know." "How is that?" the woman asked. "You have learned that w you will never learn everything these is to know," her replied." and you have learned how to stop the pain."
This really spoke to me. I don't like to make choices until I have all the information, but maybe I have enough information and I just need to make a choice.
I am a person to whom loyalty is really important and I was shown very clearly that my loyalty was not valued and would not be shown back to me. I can't change that part of me. It has caused me pain and I have tried to be another kind of person at various points but I cannot be. That is not me. I am not naïve but to me and in my family loyalty is core and I can't stay in a situation where something so core to myself is not valued. I also keep hearing a guest on Oprah a long time ago who said "when people show you who they are believe them." I might not want to believe them, but I need to.